POST 21. Mourning Before Loss

 Mourning Before Loss
 
I did not mourn Lou’s death in advance because I was expecting to have him for at least another year. 
 
But clearly that’s not always the case. I watched my best friend Penny  suffer from late stage ovarian cancer for 10 years, though indigenous pulmonary fibrosis was unpredictable.
 
During that time she endured five surgeries and many forms of chemo therapy.
 
I was losing her as the cancer spread, first to her lungs and finally to her brain.
 
The pain, the nausea, and the loss of function, until she was bedridden and on hospice. Still, she refused to die. 
 
Her family and I watched her struggle to hold on to life. She was so brave, all for her children!
 
Slowly her body became skeletal. She stopped eating.  She had long passed the time to leave. 
 
We were ready to see her agony end. We prepared for her tortured body to find release. 
 
 Yes, the pain of losing my lifetime best friend was horrific, even though I was ready. 
 
There was relief in her death, which made the grieving easier.
 
 

Dementia, like Alzheimer’s disease is familiar to most of us, while the other forms are less so  … Body Lewy Dementia, Vascular Dementia, and Frontotemporal Dementia.
 
Alzheimer’s patients go through many cognitive and behavioral changes before death takes them, after about 11 years … though some live longer. 
 
I have a  very close friend Jane whose mother Ann has had Alzheimer’s disease for 6 or 7 years.
 
For years we played poker once a month. Eventually we had to remind Ann  constantly what game we were playing, or what cards were wild, and so on. 
 
Now her daughter helps her play cards. Interestingly, there are other games Ann still plays well, like Mexican Train or Mahjong’. 
 
Yet she can’t remember that my low vision prevents me from joining in the games., so she constantly asks me! 
 
 
Ann asks her daughter questions over and over as she becomes more forgetful. It’s amazing how patient Jane is with her mother. Others might not have the patience to deal with  Alzheimer’s!
 
Jane has to remind her mother of appointments and events. For example, last year Jane,Ann, and I went to a luncheon and fashion show, and we had fun. Four hours later, we returned Ann to her home. She went to the calendar and said, “Oh, dear, we forgot to go to the luncheon and fashion show!”  I was shocked! 
 
Ann loved to cook all her life. Wow, could she make homemade pasta! She had a restaurant with her husband. Once she wrote a cookbook. Now she doesn’t remember how to cook at all.  Homemade pasta is lost to her!
 
Thankfully she taught her daughter how to make really good homemade pasta!
 
Having lost Lou recently, I’m very sad that Ann doesn’t remember her husband of 60 years! He died a few years ago.
 
Now Ann gets angry at everyone, even her daughter. I’ve heard her rage on and on about something minor someone may or may not have done. It is so tragic, because she was always a kind and gentle woman. The anger might  occur because she thinks  her son didn’t call her. The fact is her son did call. Ann just has no memory of it.
 
Jane and I have talked often about her mother’s Alzheimer’s disease and its progression. 
 
Also next steps, such as moving her mother in with them,  or hiring a live-in caregiver,  or eventually a  home.  All are  possibilities.
 
Jane says she has been mourning the loss of the  mother that raised and nurtured her. She is very realistic and aware that this disease is fatal. No one knows when or where, but death looms. 
 
Jane takes comfort in the knowledge that her mother led a full, rich life, one filled with kindness and generosity.
 
Bottom line.. Jane is ready for her mother’s death … when it comes. She’s already mourning her loss. 
 
 
The point of this post is that there are circumstances that cause us to mourn ahead of time .. early onset MS, persistent vegetative state, serious brain injury, cancer, kidney disease, and on the list goes.
A tragedy of huge proportions in itself.
 
 



This is perhaps my final post on grief. I’m transitioning into life experiences and human interest  
stories. I hope you’ll join me!
 
I’m listening!  Etlainie92@gmail.com
Note: To protect privacy, I used Penny, Jane, and Ann instead of their real names. 
 
 
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