POST8. How Can I Live Alone?

How Can I LearnTo Live Without Him?

While the loss of Lou was overwhelming, being alone for the first time and for always eclipsed the loss, as the realization sunk in. 


Given my awful medical history, I never entertained the thought that Lou would die before me. I had nearly died a dozen or more times. In fact, I put Lou through horror after horror over our 51 yeas! He was simply not allowed to leave me first. 

I made that perfectly clear in the first year of our marriage. We were driving along a windy, bumpy road in Lou’s LeNans when I realized he wasn’t buckled in. I asked him to buckle up. He refused. I unbuckled my belt. He asked me why. I said we were going to die together because he wasn’t allowed to die first. After that, seatbelts were never an issue. 


Living alone. I talk to Lou all the time, especially at night in the dark. Lou always did Morse code on my side of the bed with his fingers when he was going to sleep, to tell me I was precious to him. Now my fingers do the dance on his side of the bed. Finger music. I find it comforting.


I developed insomnia after he was gone, a residual of missing him and being alone in the bed that was ours. I found that I could communicate best with Lou outside at midnight or much later. 

The clear night sky. Alone with the stars. One of them had to be Lou. Something beautiful, tangible. I liked to think he was one of the stars in Orion. We reached out to one another, or so it seemed, and I went to bed, feeling comforted. 


I bought a star in Orion, named after Lou. I have a star map, an official document from the IAU, and a link that enables me to monitor Lou’s star in real time online. I know it’s not real, but it comforts me.


I talk to Lou’s ashes. It comforts me. 


I acquired a new hobby, art. Now I draw. I watercolor. I work with pastels. It comforts me.  


I sit for hours on the patio. I keep up with all my friends and Lou’s siblings, so very comforting to me!


Do what brings you peace, fulfillment, comfort. Try new things! Learn to parasail, join a birdwatching club, engage in volunteer work, take a photography class. Make it the thing you always wanted to do but just never had the time to do 

Hey, you never know, you might even find yourself writing a blog!







I’d very much like to hear from you! 

 ©2023 by Elaine Troisi is licensed under Attribution- -NonCommercial-NoDerivatives International 4.0

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